Take a break from Super Bowl betting and check out Askmen.com’s Top 99 Women of 2009. Here’s our review of their power rankings:
Tina Fey (97) is Chad Pennington — NO RESPECT. Tina is smart, witty, crafty and creative. Nobody ever describes her as a brunette bombshell or a superstar and, although she’s neither of those, she’s still sexier than she’s given credit for. Also, Tina has that scar and Chad has that noodle arm, but come on! They’re both so damn likable.
Britney Spears (90) was the cat’s meow in 1999, kind of like Kurt Warner. Britney was the greatest show under the age of 18 and Kurt was directing the Greatest Show on Turf. They both looked like they were locks for the Hall of Fame. Then Britney met Kevin Federline, and then Kurt met the New York Giants. Oh, the similarity! Federline even stinks like New Jersey. But now both have made a resurgence against the odds. Britney did it again and is No. 90 on the list while Kurt is leading the Arizona Cardinals to the big game, even though they are a dog according to the Super Bowl XLIII odds.
Alicia Keys (92) is Henrik Zetterberg - Like Henrik, she has that quiet confidence about her…a glint in her eye that says “I’m better than you and you know it.” She’s matured from a cute contributor into a perennial All-Star. We’ll take her on our team any day.
Torrie Wilson (87) is kind of a Brett Favre - why is she still plugging away? On some levels, she should probably retire because she’s being outplayed by younger up-and-comers but, at the end of the day, she still looks sexy on your team and she does improve your Super Bowl odds.
Sarah Shahi (85) is kind of a Calvin Johnson — my god, you have talent…we HAVE to find a way to get you more media exposure but whether it’s poor coaching or what not, she’s not getting the looks she deserves.
Maria Sharapova’s (83) hotness is like the Miami Heat. When they were winning the Championship, a lot of us were still wondering if she was, in fact, that sexy. She’s some great attributes and you want to say that she’s hot, but deep inside you know she’s not a 10. When she was on top, a lot of people said she was smokin’, but now she’s just attractive. She’s fallen back down to Earth and we’re wondering if the luster is lost. She should have dropped more than nine spots in this ranking.
Katherine Heigl (81) is like a college football team that’s ranked in the Top 10 in the pre-season, but doesn’t perform well once the season hits (Georgia/Clemson/Missouri) she dropped from No. 1 to No. 81 now that we all know that her movie career is a hoax. She was pregnant and bloated in Knocked Up and, in the minds of viewers, she hasn’t lost that baby fat yet.
Naomi Watts (80) is the Houston Texans — plenty of talent, always working hard to impress (Mulholland Drive? 21 Grams? HOT), but can’t seem to break into that upper echelon. Maybe she just needs to slum it a little. Can you say Saw VI?
Jessica Simpson (70) is Peyton Manning after the knee injury. She was an unstoppable force in the early 2000’s, hitting on all cylinders with her singing and television career, but now people question whether she’s still got it. Newlyweds was like Manning-to-Harrison for a while, but now Simpson’s star power appears to be over the hill.
Gina Carano (73) is like a byproduct of a BCS system. Had her last Elite XC fight happened the day before the rankings were released (with her stripping down naked to make weight), she would be ranked much higher on this list. But since it happened so long ago, the pollsters forgot about her credible performance and therefore, ranked her much lower.
Audrina Partridge (68) is like Tyrus Thomas. The hype was there in the beginning, but it’s been a few years now and the development has stunted. There are times when she looks absolutely jaw-droppingly gorgeous, but we’ve come to the realization that she makes too many bone-headed plays (see: Justin Bobby) to ever become consistent.
Nicole Scherzinger (65) is like Cadillac Williams. She had a great rookie season with the Pussycat Dolls and looked like she’d become one of the biggest stars in the industry but by now, it’s pretty clear that she’s topped out after her solo album flopped. She won’t play in the big game but she’ll go on a broadcast to give you her Super Bowl picks. She ranked 99 in ‘07, to 48 in ‘08, but now she’s free-falling. The best she can do is hang around the back end of the ranking.
Blake Lively (59) is like Alexander Semin. She’s already a starlet yet she’s overshadowed by a member on her own team (Gossip Girl co-hort Leighton Meester is at 54). She hasn’t been tainted by Hollywood yet and the people who know about her girl-next-doorness, which is 57% of the public, think she should be ranked higher.
Christina Hendricks (52) has two massive weapons — a thunder and thunder combo akin to Brandon Jacobs and Le’Ron McClain, running and bouncing at you like a couple of, ahem, Mad Men.
Carrie Underwood (47) is like Priest Holmes in her prime. She was discovered and is one of the best undrafted free agents of all-time. Right now, she’s on top of the world and can’t do much wrong but the feeling is that she won’t have the lasting power.
Eva Longoria (45) is Andy Roddick. She’s past her peak, but she’s not past her prime. She’s still a star, but definitely not the superstar she once was when everyone cared about her wedding. Now when the Spurs play in the playoffs she’ll get mentioned, but the cameraman won’t necessarily pick her out of the crowd.
(39) Stacy Keibler is Bo Jackson….where are you? Why’d you have to go away? You could tear us in two with those legs, but we miss you…and we really miss playing as you in Tecmo Super Bowl/Smackdown vs Raw 2006
Christina Aguilera (35) is Barry Bonds. She was a good player before, but now she’s had some enhancements that have helped her climb the ranks. If you do the Barry Bonds photo comparison - take a picture of her now versus when she burst onto the scene - the evidence is there. There’s some minor debate as to whether her enhancements are natural, since she did go through a pregnancy and milk did her body good, but the general consensus is that she’s using. Anyone for Game of Shadows II: Breast Edition?
Penelope Cruz (25) is Manu Ginobli. She’s not the best in the game but she’s up there – capable of being a team’s star player. You have to pay her a pretty penny but at least you know what you’re getting with her — consistent if not spectacular results. A good sixth man with the talent - and curves — to start.
Bianca Beauchamp (24) is like a No. 12 seeded Mid-Major in the March Madness tournament. She’s come out of nowhere on this list, not many people know much about her and the ones who don’t think that she should be ranked much lower. She’s definitely a bubble team but her two big bubbles were enough for the selection committee.
Brooke Burke (14) is John Smoltz - she’s a bit long in the tooth…but the skill level just isn’t dropping off. She’s becoming a legend — maybe even getting better with age. So what if she went bald a while ago and just signed with the Red Sox? We’d still hit that.
Is there any difference between Derek Jeter and Halle Berry (13)? Sumptuous ethnic mix? Check. Remarkable consistency? Check. Ageless? Check. Capable of rockin’ the short hair? Check, though we’d like to see Jeter grow dreads.
Megan Fox (2) is Lebron James. There was colossal hype when we first saw her in Transformers and she’s one of the few that has actually met the enormous expectations. Now she’s reeling in triple-doubles every night with potential nudity in upcoming movies. It’s still early in her career but everyone is already talking Hall of Fame.
Eva Mendes (1) is Hakeem Olajuwon. She’s not Sam Bowie – she’s not the wrong pick – but you wouldn’t take her over Michael Jordan. She’s championship caliber but she’s not going to start you a dynasty. Mendes has gone from underrated to overrated and, although she’s still a franchise player, she’s not the best we’ve seen to date.
Hope you’ve had fun. Time to get back to Super Bowl betting.
